In his recent NYT article about the popular perception on grief and mourning, Mark Epstein made a powerful point about our country's constant cultural pull toward "normalizing" everything. In this poignant article, Dr. Epstein points out the omnipresent expectation that even the pain associated with life events that are inherently deeply painful and traumatic are subjected to external, arbitrary timelines to disappear without a trace. This cultural expectation to "move on" from grief, loss and trauma sets up a difficult paradox for the individual who is already going through a tough time, imposing a constant judgment on the efficiency and general nature of a very personal and individual process.
This tendency to normalize our lives and put on a certain expected facade is at the very foundation of our culture. Take a look at the superficial nature of our personal greeting process. When asked the question "how are you?" how many people habitually answer the question honestly, and tell the greeter how they really feel? I am willing to bet that even when most of us are internally suffering, we nevertheless dutifully utter a socially acceptable, if not meaningless platitude, that makes the person asking the question feel better. However, this social "nicety" may come with a price to those of us who are already struggling with grief, trauma or loss by contributing to feelings of alienation, as well as feelings of guilt for not coping or healing in an appropriate and timely manner.
As Dr. Epstein so eloquently states, "the willingness to face traumas -- be they large, small, primitive or fresh --is the key to healing from them. They may never disappear in the way we think they should, but maybe they don't need to. Trauma is an ineradicable aspect of life. We are human as a result of it, not in spite of it."
This tendency to normalize our lives and put on a certain expected facade is at the very foundation of our culture. Take a look at the superficial nature of our personal greeting process. When asked the question "how are you?" how many people habitually answer the question honestly, and tell the greeter how they really feel? I am willing to bet that even when most of us are internally suffering, we nevertheless dutifully utter a socially acceptable, if not meaningless platitude, that makes the person asking the question feel better. However, this social "nicety" may come with a price to those of us who are already struggling with grief, trauma or loss by contributing to feelings of alienation, as well as feelings of guilt for not coping or healing in an appropriate and timely manner.
As Dr. Epstein so eloquently states, "the willingness to face traumas -- be they large, small, primitive or fresh --is the key to healing from them. They may never disappear in the way we think they should, but maybe they don't need to. Trauma is an ineradicable aspect of life. We are human as a result of it, not in spite of it."
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