Since the holidays are supposed to be a time to share in the warmth, love and comfort of the ones we love, particularly with our family, why do so many people dread this time of year?  When did the time of year that was once so highly anticipated as children become such a chore riddled with ambivalence and resentment? The answer is likely quite simple, "when we start to grow up".

One of things that happens when we become adults is that we realize that we have the power to change the things that we do not like about the traditions and even the dynamics of our formative years. However, since our families of origin are likely the ones that set in motion the previous traditions and family dynamics, they are that much more motivated to keep the ways of yore that the adult children have often worked hard to change in their own lives. In fact, on some level, once together, the whole family system wants to restore years of set dynamics and traditions. This happens mostly because the set relational patterns of one's family are the manner in which the family unit has always functioned, and regardless of how healthy or unhealthy the old ways may be, they are likely the only ways by which the family knows how to relate. 

Being cast into the previous relational mold of one's childhood may feel quite suffocating for the adult children, who may have spent years trying to individuate themselves and find their own way in the world, a way that is less defined by their family of origin and more defined by their "true selves".  While this may not be easy to attain, the trick to navigating family gatherings at this stage of development may simply be to recognize, and be confident in, the fact that the personal changes that one has attained in their own lives will not be negated or reversed by a few hours or days of reenacting the old family ways. The realization that one can take on whatever role is needed at the time without losing oneself can be a wonderfully freeing experience which can ensue a calmer, more enjoyable holiday with the ones we love.

*While I have shared this post previously, it bears repeating that as we approach the holidays with our loved ones, we must keep in mind our expectations of others, as well as of ourselves, in part, in order to ensure that those expectations are realistic and can be met.

As we start checking off items on the ‘holiday wish lists’ for those around us, why not take a moment and think about what we ourselves want and expect from those we love during the holiday season.

In theory, the holidays are supposed to be about spending time with those we love. Yet for many, this time is riddled with unspoken resentments, and past and present disappointments. While most of us focus on anticipating and avoiding touchy subjects with our families in order to survive the holidays, few of us stop and think about what it is that we actually want and perhaps need, from those we love during these times. Whether it is approval, affection, acceptance or nurturing, we all have certain expectations from those we love during the holidays.

Perhaps being aware of our expectations may lead to realistically matching them to what our loved ones can actually provide. Or it may be that a conscious awareness of our dependency needs can lead us to be more direct in seeking to have those needs met by others. Or it may simply mean that during the holiday season, when we celebrate love, nurturing and kindness to others, we may need to take extra time to accept, nurture and be kind to ourselves.

In recent years, a number of articles have suggested that self-disclosure may be, in part, a function of certain cultural variants such as individualism and collectivism (Hofstede, 1980, 1982; Ting-Toomey, 1991; Triandis, 1996). Members of individualist cultures are reported to be primarily self-directed, having low interdependence within the members of their family and might be more open to disclosing their problems and psychological stressors with people outside of their immediate family circle.

In contrast to the value placed on the individual’s achievements and needs in individualist cultures, collectivist cultures tend to focus on the betterment of the entire family (Hofstead, 1980, 1982; Shon & Ja, 1982). The individual in a collectivist culture is dependent on his or her family, and the family reputation depends on the individual member’s behavior (Nydell, 1987). Accordingly, social relationships are built on duty and faithfulness to family and very close friends, and not on the individual’s personal needs, feelings, or opinions. Hence, being particularly disclosing about one’s problems, even with one’s own family, might be deemed self-centered and inconsiderate. Likewise, sharing one’s problems with those that are not in one’s family might be deemed inappropriate and possibly damaging to the entire family unit.  

It is not surprising then, that those who come from collectivist cultures may be reluctant to open up to anyone about their personal problems, let alone someone outside of their immediate family unit such as a psychotherapist, for a number of reasons including fear of disloyalty, or perhaps, a fear of betrayal. Yet noticing and working through certain familial dynamics is often necessary in order to understand the various roles that one takes up in the world at large, particularly if one is unhappy in their relational patterns. Talking or writing things out can certainly be a helpful exercise, however speaking with someone else can be an insightful and rewarding experience. While it may be helpful to discuss one's family dynamics with others in the family, having a fresh and unbiased perspective may be one of the only ways to truly see the established behavioral and emotional patterns. Furthermore, speaking to someone outside of the family about one's familial interactions means not having to worry about how the information shared impacts the recipient of the disclosure, as this individual is not personally affected by the content. 

*A portion of this blog post was taken from Manevich, I. (2010). The Changing Patterns of Self-Disclosure in Soviet Immigrants.